Recently I started a new project, something that really mattered to me, and I noticed a familiar old pattern show up, my critical inner voice was getting louder.
You know the one.
"I can't do this"
"I'm scared"
"Who's even going to be interested"
"There are people out there doing this better than me"
Nothing dramatic had happened on the outside, but internally, my self-talk had shifted from supportive, kind and encouraging to fearful, critical and hopeless. It happened almost silently, building up quietly over a few weeks. But once I had noticed it, I couldn't un-see how much it was affecting my confidence, my body, and my ability to move forward.
That moment of self-awareness was important because the way we speak to ourselves doesn't just affect how we feel. It affects how our brain and nervous system respond.
Your brain is always listening
From a neuroscience perspective, our brains are wired to scan for threat. This is survival. As humans, we are built to stay alive. For our ancestors, constantly scanning the environment for danger wasn't anxiety, it was essential to staying alive or being eaten. Noticing potential threats meant avoiding predators, finding safety, and protecting the group.
That same threat-based wiring still exists in us today. The problem isn't that our brains are 'too negative', it's that they're doing exactly what they were designed to do, just in a modern world. Instead of scanning for physical danger, the brain now scans for social threats; rejection, failure, judgment, and not being good enough.
Critical self-talk activates the bodies stress response, cortisol (the stress hormone) floods our system, our muscles tense up, increasing anxiety, and narrowing our thinking. This is why, when our inner critic is loud, confidence drops and everything feels harder.
Self-validation does the opposite.
So when my inner critic showed up, I reminded myself that this wasn't a character flaw or weakness. It is an ancient survival system trying it's best to keep me safe, whilst I navigated something new and unknown. Understanding this helped me to reframe my fear narrative and meet it with compassion, rather than shame, and from that place I began to gently respond. When I responded to myself with understanding rather than judgment, I sent signals of safety to my nervous system. My brain began to settle. From a calmer state, I began to think clearer, regain emotional regulation and choice.
What I did differently
Instead of arguing with my critical thoughts or trying to 'think positive' I took a few very simple, practical steps....
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Firstly, I named what was happening
I gently reminded myself; "This is fear, not fact"
That distinction alone helped create some distance. Fear can feel convincing, but it isn't always truthful.
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Next, I validated my experience
I said to myself; "Of course i'm scared, this really matters to me"
Rather than shaming myself, I acknowledged it. This was key. Validation doesn't make fear stronger, it helps the nervous system feel understood and supported.
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Then, I changed the tone of my self-talk
Not to toxic positivity or empty affirmations, but to something realistic and kind.
"I don't have to have everything worked out perfectly right now, I just have to show up, and do the best I can"
This shift felt subtle, but my body responded immediately. My shoulders softened, my breathing slowed, my thoughts became less frantic.
That's the power of self-validation
Understanding your own nervous system, your own history and meeting yourself where you are
It is very important for me to acknowledge that my experience is not the answer, nor is it a one-size-fits-all solution. I'm sharing my experience as a personal example and to let readers interested in mental health hear my perspective. For many people who may have grown up with adverse childhood experiences or live with a diagnosis, your nervous system may be carrying far more than everyday stress. For many, threat responses may be stronger, more persistent, or feel harder to regulate. Not because you're doing something wrong, but because your system has adapted to survive under very difficult conditions. There are deeper layers, individual histories, and underlying challenges that shape how self-talk, fear and confidence show up. What helps one person may not be enough for another, and that's okay.
Growth and healing aren't about comparison. They're about understanding your own nervous system, your own history, and meeting yourself where you are.
Confidence grows in how you respond to doubt
I also want to say this as a therapist, and as someone who's spent many years in therapy myself; the wobbles don't disappear. Insight, training, and self-awareness hasn't made me immune to fear or self-doubt, but it has given me more tools to notice what's happening and respond to myself with care. Growth isn't about never wobbling, it's about learning how to steady myself when it shows up rather than self-attack.
A final reminder that confidence isn't about never questioning yourself. Doubt will always be a part of the human experience, especially when you're trying something new or doing something meaningful that matters to you.
Each time you speak to yourself with respect, you're reinforcing neural pathways linked to safety, resilience, and self-trust. Over time, that really can become your default.